Questions and Introspection

Right now this post may be a bit incoherent and raw and maybe I will revise it a bit as my head clears up. I am putting it up anyhow because I just need to...

1: What is the most important thing in your life to you right now ?

2: What is the biggest thing you feel is missing from your life ?

3: Ever wake up and look in the mirror and not really recognize the person looking back ?

4: Ever think introspectively about yourself and just feel fogged up ?

I describe myself as mercurial because I can be all over the map with my emotions.

On my best days I am a positive person with a humanitarian streak that wants to give himself to the causes of his friendships. I can be a strong and rational support for people. I am social and can be the driving force behind social events.

I also can be introspective, sometimes in good ways and sometimes in bad ways. At times this leads to learning more about myself, other times it leads down a darker path...

Other times I can be anti-social, scornful of people and just generally hateful, this comes about usually from negative encounters with people. I try to be positive about people but there are times when people really rain on that parade. That is often exacerbated if I am already in a dark mood due to my own machinations.

And yet other times I can be base, self-centered and instinctual. That leads to counter-productive behaviour and vices. Usually those periods are a direct result from my need to not think or feel anything. Being analytical is useful but I think it can run directly counter to feelings and for me that usually just confounds things terribly to a point of incredible frustration.

The last few times I've met an interesting nice girl that I think could potentially be into, I hit a wall. I would start trying to rationalize my feelings and then my head would start spinning and then I'd go do stupid things just to get away from my mind and sort of negate things I guess, if that makes sense. Other times I get all nervy and such, not being comfortable or knowing what to do with these ideas and potential feelings and make some sort of faux-pas. Then I go do the stupid things to put some distance in the situation. In doing so I greatly diminish my chances with said interest... I can't put my finger on why I need to rationalize my feelings. I've thought it through and come up with some answers, and yet more questions. Being nervy sometimes comes with the dating game, but this is a bit more than that. I am fairly sure I am not afraid of being rejected by a girl, that I can handle. I think it's a fear of hopes being dismantled.